After the status posting, I started to receive “drive-by texts” from ex-boyfriends. You know, the “hey haven’t heard from you in awhile just dropping a line to say hi” texts. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but it appears a bit to much of a coincidence that I got those texts and calls after posting my relationship status. I promptly ignored any message from an ex-boyfriend/ former fling / any man who picked up the dinner tab more than once. These situations were pretty black and white. But one situation was a bit more in the grey zone.

A male friend of mine, lets call him Chris, who is a friend of mine on facebook, and in real life, (imagine that) sent me a text message a few days after my relationship update saying “Are you seeing anyone right now?” (So in full disclosure, Chris and I never dated, never kissed, and never even thought about being anything more than friends) that said, his question seemed a bit out of left field because we also never talked about what was going on in our respective love lives. Now its important to understand that when I am confused by something in my personal life, I ignore it. I know, not the best method, but hey,I took to inaction. A few days later Chris followed up by asking me the same question again. Chris mentioned that he saw my facebook update and wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. Now I was really baffled, if Chris saw my status then why did he ask me if I was seeing anyone? I mean didn’t he already have the answer to his question?

Now I don’t know why Chris suddenly became intrigued with my relationship status. To this day I can’t fully grasp why he felt he needed me to confirm my relationship status to him directly, I mean it’s not like some Trojan horse virus overtook my facebook page and made up my relationship status and added Henry’s picture.  Somehow though, Chris’ constant search for confirmation did peak my curiosity. Why was he so pressed to confirm this fact with me? Southern Fried Chick and Happy Chick advised me to ignore his text messages. Now I respect their thoughts, (gotta love your girls insight!)but I am now soliciting your help! How should I respond to Chris’ text which poses a question to which he already knows the answer?

Should I:

a)Call Chris and tell him that “facebook don’t lie”

b)text Chris to inform him that I am seeing someone

c) tell Chris I am seeing Henry

d)Continue to ignore Chris’ text messages?

And more importantly, why is Chris even doing this? Men can be very confusing and I guess Chris is no different.

Seeking your advice,

CHICK-let

I know that I’m not supposed to care about titles right?  I should just care about the fact that something feels very different about this person and this relationship.  I should focus on the fact that we have a great time together, share similar values and goals in life, and that we both are committed to seeing where this relationship goes.  My recent experience with men is that they are absolutely non-committal, even about something as simple as plans for the upcoming weekend.  We’re actually making plans for events that will occur 5 months from now!  Our families and friends know about each other and we’re in the process of meeting those close to us in life.  He is supportive, caring, and makes me laugh.  Should I care about the title?  I have a girlfriend that used to refuse to use the word boyfriend.  She called her now-husband my “friend” until the day he proposed.  Does it matter?  What do you think?

~HappyCHICK J

What perplexes me is that we are a generation that keeps in touch like never before.  We have cell phones, PDA’s, email, blogs, and facebook pages.  Yet, all of this technology I fear has created more connections but fewer true relationships.  How can one really get to know another virtually, by sharing quick electronic messages instead of spending time with one another?  Most of our communication is non-verbal, it’s in our body language, in our tone of voice, in our facial expressions.  When you reduce communication to electronic media, you remove all of the non-verbal and some of the verbal as well in our quest to shorten our words and phrases.  When getting to know someone, especially in a dating situation, I need to physically spend time with them to truly get to know them and to hear and to see all of what they are not saying verbally.  I also generally like being with people and think that nothing replaces face-to-face contact.  In addition to electronic communication making it difficult to form true relationships, I think it also facilitates something else that I’ve experienced quite often in dating.  Juggling multiple people becomes easier when you have multiple, impersonal ways to get in touch with someone.  And, because you don’t easily form deep relationships, you really feel no responsibility to the other person.  That makes it easier to jump from one person to the next, never really experiencing the kind of meaningful relationship that few appear to be looking for these days.

As I type this, I am wondering if the advent of electronic communication is a result of or has led to this kind of serial, non-committed dating that I’ve experienced over the last few years.  I tend to lean towards it being a result of the lifestyle that my generation tends to lead – work hard and play hard with a need to be gratified instantly.  With all of us being in constant touch (as I type this I am in a text conversation the person that I am currently dating) it does allow us to fit more into what appears to be a constantly shrinking amount of hours in the day.  Perhaps electronic communication allows us to interact with more people and hence forces a bit more quality into the system as we now can date more people before ultimately settling on the one.  Perhaps.  I do know that I still enjoy the time spent with those that I care about and think there is no substitute for that in any dating relationship.

~Happy CHICK

But, of course, that was three years ago.  Now that I’m in my late 20’s, I’m sure I wouldn’t accept a text as any real form of exchange with someone I was really interested in.  Again, let’s test this new theory on my most recent love interest, Victor.

Vic called me a few days after we first met.  We had a great two-hour conversation.  Fabulous!  We can really hold one another’s attention and make each other laugh.  No need for text messaging.  Boy was I wrong.  After that first gab fest, Vic’s new method of contacting me was texting.  We would go back and forth everyday, but it was nothing substantial—just a hi or how’s your day going.  Was he toying with me now—thinking he could get me out of my courtship frame of mind?  Am I not worthy of a conversation?  We hadn’t actually been on a date yet, so maybe I was reading into our initial phone call? 

But then, I ran into him at another party and he told me he wanted to take me to dinner at one of the best restaurants in the city.  Maybe I wasn’t reading into things.  We settled on the following Thursday.

Several days passed and I hadn’t heard from Vic.  Maybe he had changed his mind about our dinner date.  Finally, Wednesday arrives and I receive an unexpected text.  It was from Vic—“since you didn’t reply to my text it’s OK if you don’t want to go to dinner anymore.”  What?!?  Several thoughts rushed through my head:  #1) I never received a text formalizing our dinner plans.  #2) Who formalizes plans for a first date via text?  #3) Does this even justify a response?  By now, I had a little crush on Mr. Victor and he had offered to take me to a fine restaurant.  At least I would get three good courses out of it, right?

So, I went on the first date.  Vic and I have been going strong ever since.  Even still, texting has not been eliminating from our relationship as a form of communication.

~Southern Fried CHICK

Him: “CHICK-let what kind of jeans of those?”

Me:  Silence. i was ready for questions on the action plan, the due dates and best practices, i was not prepared for questions on the brand of my jeans. I had no idea what to say.

Him: “I have seen a few women wearing those jeans and I am not familiar with them, what type of jeans are those?”

ME: ”Um, okay, well I don’t know if they make mens jeans but they are Joe’s Jeans, it’s the honey cut, they are made for women who…”

Him: “Oh thanks, I was asking because I saw the logo, I mean its not like I am looking at your butt or anything but I just wanted to know what type of jeans those are”

In true male fashion, his two comrades that he came into the room with began to chuckle. I could feel my eyes turning red and I could definitely feel myself about to read and re-enact the riot act on him. First of all,  as any woman can tell you, the only way to recognize Joe’s Jeans is by the double JJ on the butt. so clearly his inquisitive nature was the result of him looking at my backside. somehow this man has no filter and decided to pose that question aloud, I took for granted that everyone’s parents taught them about thoughts to keep inside your head versus things to say aloud.

Furthermore, how dare he have the nerve to pose such an inappropriate question and then followup with such a ridiculous justification! I am not his personal shopper, I am his manager. WTF! With one thoughtless comment, he undermined my credibility as a manager. And I KNOW he knew better, he is a former investment banker, you mean they don’t teach bankers that some comments are inappropriate? To make matters worse, he tried to pretend he wasn’t checking me out. I mean cmon, Joes Jeans logo is on the butt, not on the ankles or knee caps.

Okay so maybe it was my fault for wearing my favorite jeans to the meeting but that’s the culture here, everyone wears jeans and the dress code is extremely casual. Besides, who wants to wear mom jeans in 2008? As i tried to think of a response, thankfully, the other employees came into the room.

I learned one lesson from that interaction, don’t wear logo jeans to a meeting. From now on I am only wearing nondescript jeans with no logo nor brand nor design on the backside. That’s right if I have to be taken seriously as a manager then fine I wont wear anymore more seven jeans, no more Joe’s Jeans, no more True Religion.  From here on out its straight H&M jeans with no logos!  

So I sat down for the rest of the meeting, I couldn’t bring myself to continue writing on the board and turn my backside to them. As I started the meeting, I glanced in his direction and tried to think of a way to deal with this arrogant former-banker who had undermined my authority by indirectly referencing my body parts in front of male colleagues.

Seeing him smile at his two comrades, I knew that it would be a long six months, and I was already looking forward to the end of this project and not having to work with this jerk.

-CHICKlet

For me, this book allowed me to free countless hours spent dissecting my relationships and those of my friends.  The answer to all our random musings was simple – he’s just not that into you!  How freeing!  So, I began to look at all my romantic relationships with a new lens and disentangled myself from those that clearly weren’t going anywhere.  And, I set off to meet the man that was right for me.  So, can anyone tell me why, after you tell these men, who clearly have lukewarm feelings for me, that we should just end whatever this is and move on, won’t move on? 

A few years ago, I started seeing this man, let’s call him John.  John lived in a different city from me, we met at a conference, spent most of the conference getting to know each other and began speaking on the phone daily once we both returned to our home cities.  During these conversations, John would tell me how he couldn’t wait to see me again – I planned to travel to visit him a few weeks later.  We had a great weekend, continued to speak almost daily after the visit but we didn’t seem to be progressing towards anything.  So, I did what the book told me and asked what was happening with us.  He started stammering about how he had been really hurt in the past and wasn’t sure about blah, blah – whatever.  I told him that was okay, I understood, and promptly moved on.  So why, does this man, continue to call me to this day and as recently as two weeks ago asked if he could come visit.  Are you joking?  Not once has he expressed even the remotest desire to be in a relationship with me and he still wants to come up and visit?  He thinks we’re friends!  Fellas, let me tell you this – if you can’t tell your “friend” about your date last night, she’s not your friend.  This is partly my fault as I do entertain the calls but it really puzzles me.  Why call?  You don’t like me in that way, we’re not friends, and I have rebuffed every attempt you’ve made to see me in the last year. 

There are a few men who fall into this category for me.  I certainly need to spend time figuring out why I entertain the conversations as I clearly am getting something out of it.  But my question for the authors remains…if someone is just not that into you, why do they hang around?  Are they also passing the time as I am, hoping something better comes along?  Does the time I spend entertaining these conversations block me from meeting the person I’m supposed to be with?  Time will tell…

~Happy CHICK

Then, along comes Victor (all names have been changed, of course, to protect the innocent and my future love life).  I was at a friend’s house party when I saw him come in fashionably late.  Since I was standing near the door, I said hello to my friend with whom he had entered and then quickly introduced myself.   

“Hi!”

“Hi, I’m Victor.”

“Nice to meet you,” I say.  Immediately followed by, “so what’s your story?”

I see the question caught him off-guard and I win the slightest smile from him.  Perfect!

We proceed to chit chat for the next half hour.  Even though I was thoroughly enjoying the convo, I excused myself to make my way around the party.  I can’t be too available, right?  Later that night, I circle back to Victor (we’ll call him Vic for short).  We pick up our casual conversation right where we left off—chatting, laughing, and gauging our attraction for one another.  He ends the evening by asking for my phone number.  I graciously give it to him, followed by the boldest statement I’ve ever made in my dating life—“You should know that I believe women should be courted.  If you don’t want to court me, maybe you shouldn’t call me.”  I couldn’t believe it, even as the words were clearly coming out of my mouth!

Oh well, I said I would do whatever came naturally.  I convince myself that if he doesn’t call then he wasn’t the kind of guy I was looking for anyway.  Do I really believe that?  Or, am I just trying to find a way for it to be OK that I may have let a great guy “get away?”  I guess I’ll have to wait and see how this experiment works out.

~Southern Fried CHICK

I choose dresses based on whether or not they accentuate my body shape. I choose classes based on timing and course content. I chose sheets based on my mood. I have even given serious thought to whether its cheaper to select chick peas or kidney beans in a “food by the pound” salad bar. While I spend time on these decisions, I have come to realize that there is an aspect of my life in which I have never made a choice, my boyfriends.

Choosing boyfriends so far has been like walking into a shoe store and taking a seat while I wait for the salesperson to bring me one pair of shoes. And no, these aren’t shoes I asked for but rather a pair of shoes is mysteriously presented to me. I quickly engage in a guesstimate process. No I haven’t tried on the shoes, but they look nice. No I don’t know what size they are but they seem like they are my size. No I am not sure how practical they are but who cares about practicality when it comes to shoes. After paying for the shoes and walking out the store suddenly I am the owner of a new not-sure-if-they-fit-and-not-sure-where-I-will-wear-them- boyfriend, I mean pair of shoes.

But that was yesterday.

Today is a new day. Like Michael said in the song “I’m starting with the (wo)man in the mirror, I’m asking (her) to change her ways.” That said, I have decided to completely revamp my shoe buying process. Gone are the days of take whatever pair the salesperson brings out to me. Going forward, I am going to press the button for the shoe department and walk out onto Saks shoe department, sit in the comfortable chair, request some Nederberg Noble Harvest 2006, and demand that all the sales people bring me many shoes to chose from. Yes, I am going to have a Julia Roberts Pretty Woman moment.

This time, I am going to try on the shoes, walk around in them a bit and decide which pair fits me best. I am looking forward to choosing my shoes!

-CHICKlet

Sadly, my embrace of all things single is not an opinion shared by many these days when there is an entire industry built around how to find a man, how to attract a man, how to date a man, how to get him to propose, etc, etc.  Recently, a friend forwarded me an article that has been circulating among groups of professional women in NYC and has recently found its way onto my Business School campus urging 30-something professional women who happen to still find themselves single to settle.  Are you joking?

Don’t get me wrong.  My parents have been married for almost 38 years and I fully believe in the institution of marriage.  I further believe that I, approaching the eve of my 30^th birthday, will get married and desire to do so.  I also believe that I am a good, no scratch that, great catch.  I’m attractive, smart, funny, educated, am knowledgeable about sports, and can cook.  Additionally, I know that there is someone out there for me, and when the time is right, I will meet that person.  What I do not believe is two things, first, that I need to spend any of my time worrying about when and how I’ll meet that person.  Second, I do not believe that I need to be at all concerned that I haven’t found him at this age.  If I was a man, I would be congratulated for all I’ve accomplished thus far in my life and told not to worry about settling down any time soon.  But, because I happen to be woman, people look at me with pity in their eyes when they note my absence of a wedding band or significant other.  Whatever.  Good thing I have the self-esteem not to buy into that.

So where am I?  Well, clearly single.  But, I am open to the right relationship.  I spent my 20’s bouncing from relationship to relationship with a number of what I call “pseudo-relationships” in between (more about those later).  About a year ago, I got myself entangled in what I’ll call a situation…I don’t even think this person deserves the title of “pseudo-relationship.”  After I woke up one day and told him not to call me again, I decided I was done not valuing myself and what I bring to a relationship and settling for less than I was worth.  So, for the last year, it’s been a few dates here and there but nothing serious.  My focus has been on finishing up my last year of school and thinking clearly think about what I want and pursue that rather than settling for whatever is offered to me.  I’m looking for a real, meaningful, and lasting relationship.  I can’t play the games that come with dating anymore.  In the meantime, I’m living my life and not worrying about the when and the how.  So stay tuned…I usually have great stories.  Especially since I tend to attract men that don’t know how to stay gone… 

~Happy CHICK

I’ve struggled with the idea of falling in love for some time.  Am I too young?  Am I too focused on my career?  Am I too guarded?  Am I too demanding?  

There was a time when I thought I had found the one.  We were together for three years, we moved to the same city to be together, we met the parents, everything.  Then we broke up.  That was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made, but I just knew it wasn’t it.  My heart no longer skipped a beat when I saw him.  The passion was gone.  I started thinking about all those big hairy thoughts like how he would fit into my family and if were really a dream team.  He left the toilet seat up and I couldn’t stand it.  We were just headed in two different directions. 

Let’s be honest.  While I may have had a long list of reasons for the break up, I doubted my decision for months.  The relationship wasn’t great, but it was good.  What if I never found another man who adored me in the same way?  Is the toilet seat that big of a deal?  What if I lived the rest of my life single?  Heavy thoughts for a 23-year old.  But, you have to understand—I’m from the south.  My parents got married a month after my mom graduated from college and have been going strong for 33 years.  To my family, I was on the verge of being an old maid.  If I saw the other side of 25 as a single woman, I swear they were going to buy me a cat.  So the break-up decision was even tougher than just separating from my then boyfriend.

My newly discovered single life didn’t start off with a bang.  It took a while for me to be ready for dating.  Then, when I was, there were no men!  I thought the grass was greener and men were going to be lined up for me.  I mean when I was in a relationship I couldn’t go out in public without a man approaching me.  Suddenly, the “this might be a challenge” sign on my forehead was gone and the men stopped coming.

Eventually the tides turned—dates came, but I didn’t find anyone special.  Then, I started to let myself slip into the friends with benefits spiral of death.  Step 1:  Find a guy I’m attracted to.  Step 2:  Hang out with him a little in non-date ways—you know watch football, go out to clubs.  In other words, become his friend.  Step 3:  Hook up.  Step 4:  Keep hooking up.  Step 5:  Wait for him to realize that I’m a great woman who he wants to have a relationship with.  News flash!  Step 5 never happens (at least not to me). 

Well, now I’m almost 27 (and cat-less thankfully!) and finally made a decision.  It was time to date like I was looking for someone who would really be a part of my life.  But, how would I put my new strategy into action?  When should you tell a guy that you want a relationship and not scare him off?  If he does run away scared, was he the guy for me anyway?  I have all these questions and many more.  I’ll let you know how it turns out!

~Southern Fried CHICK