He’s Just Not That Into You…
April 21, 2008 at 8:45 pm ndforbes 3 comments
I remember the day that this book made it to the holy land of all writers – The Oprah Winfrey Show. I watched in rapt attention and promptly went out to Borders and bought 3 copies. One for myself, and a few copies for girlfriends that I knew needed to hear the same message. For those of you that missed the explosive popularity of this book in late 2004 into early 2005, allow me to recap. Basically, this book de-bunked the many myths that women have built up in their minds explaining why her guy isn’t acting right. A sample of these excuses, often perpetuated by well-meaning friends, include he’s scared of being hurt, or he has a difficult time with commitment, or work must be really busy, he’ll call when he has a moment. All garbage says the book. The true answer is, very simply, he’s just not that into you. Because if he was, he would want to spend time with you, call when he says he’s going to and just generally act right.
For me, this book allowed me to free countless hours spent dissecting my relationships and those of my friends. The answer to all our random musings was simple – he’s just not that into you! How freeing! So, I began to look at all my romantic relationships with a new lens and disentangled myself from those that clearly weren’t going anywhere. And, I set off to meet the man that was right for me. So, can anyone tell me why, after you tell these men, who clearly have lukewarm feelings for me, that we should just end whatever this is and move on, won’t move on?
A few years ago, I started seeing this man, let’s call him John. John lived in a different city from me, we met at a conference, spent most of the conference getting to know each other and began speaking on the phone daily once we both returned to our home cities. During these conversations, John would tell me how he couldn’t wait to see me again – I planned to travel to visit him a few weeks later. We had a great weekend, continued to speak almost daily after the visit but we didn’t seem to be progressing towards anything. So, I did what the book told me and asked what was happening with us. He started stammering about how he had been really hurt in the past and wasn’t sure about blah, blah – whatever. I told him that was okay, I understood, and promptly moved on. So why, does this man, continue to call me to this day and as recently as two weeks ago asked if he could come visit. Are you joking? Not once has he expressed even the remotest desire to be in a relationship with me and he still wants to come up and visit? He thinks we’re friends! Fellas, let me tell you this – if you can’t tell your “friend” about your date last night, she’s not your friend. This is partly my fault as I do entertain the calls but it really puzzles me. Why call? You don’t like me in that way, we’re not friends, and I have rebuffed every attempt you’ve made to see me in the last year.
There are a few men who fall into this category for me. I certainly need to spend time figuring out why I entertain the conversations as I clearly am getting something out of it. But my question for the authors remains…if someone is just not that into you, why do they hang around? Are they also passing the time as I am, hoping something better comes along? Does the time I spend entertaining these conversations block me from meeting the person I’m supposed to be with? Time will tell…
~Happy CHICK
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1.
Johnny | April 22, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I think it is as simple as some guys really not being that into a woman. Most men like to string women along until we’re simply tired of them or have no more use for them. This is brutal to type, but yet, brutally honest.
Honestly, there are some women that are the weekend visit or the late night conversation, but men often don’t want to integrate that woman into their everyday life. As the book says, “He’s not that in to you”. For some reason – without any rhyme or reason – a guy doesn’t want that woman to cut him off, though.
Sure, he’s probably never brought her around his family and more than like he had any intentions of (gasp) marrying her. None of that matters. Her breaking it off is equivalent to him LOSING…and it is ingrained in men to despise losing.
Sure, it is 9 times out of 10 the right thing for both party. SCREW THAT – it the head of men, a relationship should always end on our terms.
We’re just dumb like that.
As I said, there is no rhyme or reason to the madness that is a man’s brain. So the simple answer as to why men are afraid to commit or don’t give as much to a relationship as the woman is that of the book title. He’s just not that in to you. If he was, you would know.
Great blog. I look forward to reading more posts.
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Black | April 23, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I think that you can’t totally rely on these relationship books because if they were 100% right then we would not all still be so confused and there would not be so many different relationship books! The book creates these neat black and white categories that don’t exist in real life and when we try to fit our lives into the neat categories in the book we cant seem to make it work. I know absolutely ZERO long term, loving relationships or marriages that were smooth sailing from day one. Just like the rest of life, relationships involve struggle, and work and adjustment. Chances are your future husband is not going to meet you, fall madly in love on the first date and subsequently never miss a phone call, date, or think about another girl. That would be what we call a fantasy. If that is what you are looking for then you should pick up a book (I recommend cinderella) or become an actress. In real life….maybe he is just not that into you….maybe he is just not that together….maybe he likes you but is not ready for marriage. If the answers were that easy to come by…what fun would it be!!??
3.
Slick | April 29, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I agree with Johnny, men really don’t like to lose, especially in the case of possibly getting with a woman. We hate being turned down, stood up, or just plain ignored. Just because he doesn’t want to commit doesn’t mean he’s not into you. Could there be any remote possibility that what he is saying is true and that he really is not ready for a committed relationship. We as men know when a woman is not into us, she’s not returning our calls, emails, ‘text messages’ and the like….as a woman if the man in question is showing any of these characteristics, well then he’s really not that into you.