Where am I?

Where am I?  That kind of sounds like the question Britney Spears must have been asking herself for the last year.  For me, it’s not about where I am physically or how I ended up living in Boston for two years attending graduate school—it is really about where I am mentally.  Am I ready for love?  That’s the real question. 

I’ve struggled with the idea of falling in love for some time.  Am I too young?  Am I too focused on my career?  Am I too guarded?  Am I too demanding?  

There was a time when I thought I had found the one.  We were together for three years, we moved to the same city to be together, we met the parents, everything.  Then we broke up.  That was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made, but I just knew it wasn’t it.  My heart no longer skipped a beat when I saw him.  The passion was gone.  I started thinking about all those big hairy thoughts like how he would fit into my family and if were really a dream team.  He left the toilet seat up and I couldn’t stand it.  We were just headed in two different directions. 

Let’s be honest.  While I may have had a long list of reasons for the break up, I doubted my decision for months.  The relationship wasn’t great, but it was good.  What if I never found another man who adored me in the same way?  Is the toilet seat that big of a deal?  What if I lived the rest of my life single?  Heavy thoughts for a 23-year old.  But, you have to understand—I’m from the south.  My parents got married a month after my mom graduated from college and have been going strong for 33 years.  To my family, I was on the verge of being an old maid.  If I saw the other side of 25 as a single woman, I swear they were going to buy me a cat.  So the break-up decision was even tougher than just separating from my then boyfriend.

My newly discovered single life didn’t start off with a bang.  It took a while for me to be ready for dating.  Then, when I was, there were no men!  I thought the grass was greener and men were going to be lined up for me.  I mean when I was in a relationship I couldn’t go out in public without a man approaching me.  Suddenly, the “this might be a challenge” sign on my forehead was gone and the men stopped coming.

Eventually the tides turned—dates came, but I didn’t find anyone special.  Then, I started to let myself slip into the friends with benefits spiral of death.  Step 1:  Find a guy I’m attracted to.  Step 2:  Hang out with him a little in non-date ways—you know watch football, go out to clubs.  In other words, become his friend.  Step 3:  Hook up.  Step 4:  Keep hooking up.  Step 5:  Wait for him to realize that I’m a great woman who he wants to have a relationship with.  News flash!  Step 5 never happens (at least not to me). 

Well, now I’m almost 27 (and cat-less thankfully!) and finally made a decision.  It was time to date like I was looking for someone who would really be a part of my life.  But, how would I put my new strategy into action?  When should you tell a guy that you want a relationship and not scare him off?  If he does run away scared, was he the guy for me anyway?  I have all these questions and many more.  I’ll let you know how it turns out!

 

~Southern Fried CHICK